Hidden Village Union: Genin Beauty Pageant
by lankree
Summary: Hyuuga Neji no longer believed in Fate, but couldn't shake the feeling that Fate was sitting around somewhere, giving him the finger.
1. Mission Statement

Hidden Village Union: Genin Beauty Pageant

Part One: Mission Statement

Hyuuga Neji had a sickening suspicion that he wasn't going to like this day all. His intuition had rarely failed him, leading him to believe that today was the beginning of a series of events that would eventually cost him his life… and if not his life, then at least his sanity, or, barring all else, his dignity. He really wasn't comfortable in any of those scenarios.

It was his birthday… and his teammates remembered. He was fourteen today and he had to get up early to meet them. His teammates knew he hated early mornings just as much as he hated cowards, quitters and cheaters (of which, he considered most people guilty). But it seemed that today wasn't about what he liked and disliked: Lee and Tenten intended to celebrate his survival of another year whether he liked it or not…

He wouldn't get the opportunity to voice his dislike or even make another appearance of the Hyuuga Glare of Disapproval™ (He had secretly been working on a Dai-version of it, the working title being the Hyuuga Neji Glaring Glare of Death and Promised Pain – it was still a bit rough).

The arrival of that Uzumaki Naruto interrupted what Neji knew was going to be a Grade A sulk.

"Neji!" Naruto shouted, running up the stairs to the meditation post that had, until thirty seconds ago, been a sanctuary from noisiness. Neji sighed, all good things were fleeting.

"What do you want?" The Hyuuga asked.

"Tsunade no baa-chan has a mission for you! Specifically for you!" Naruto couldn't keep the mischief out of his voice.

"The Godaime does?" _Specifically for me… normally I would think it important if specially ordered, but something about Naruto's face tells me that I would be better off waiting for Tenten and Lee to show up for my…_ Neji sighed, he was damned if he went, damned if he stayed. He was really choosing between two evils. He decided to take the one he had never tried before: he went with Naruto.

"What is this about?" Neji asked, as the two made a run for the Godaime's office.

"I don't know."

Neji knew Naruto was lying.

Indeed, Naruto was lying. He knew exactly what this was about; it had been explained to him twenty minutes previously.

/Flashback/

The Godaime Hokage sat behind her desk looking both anxious and displeased. She was reading over a paper that made her anxious, she was forced to listen to Uzumaki Naruto's ranting and that caused her to be displeased.

"Tsunade no baa-chan, you've got to let me go look for Sasuke!"

"Naruto, we've been over this a hundred times, there are no clues to Sasuke's whereabouts. You don't have anything to search."

"That doesn't matter, dattebayo! I'll find something! I'm good at finding things!"

"Then find your common sense and listen to me, you baka. Konoha has other missions that need to be accomplished, missions that you're capable of."

Naruto snorted and turned his face to the side. "You only send me on boring missions these days. I think you're just trying to keep me busy, dattebayo."

"If I am you should be thankful that I give you missions at all. I wish that Jiraiya would come back and take you off my hands… but until then, I'll keep giving you missions… like this one." Tsunade handed Naruto the slip of paper that had caused her anxiety.

Naruto took the sheet and read the big letters while Tonton oinked and Shizune looked on.

"First Annual Hidden Village Union Genin Beauty Pageant… The Village Hidden in the Haze is hosting a competition to demonstrate the talents of Shinobi Genin in a friendly competition of Beauty, Brains, Breeding and… Bounty… This is an invitation to the Godaime Hokage to send Konoha's most talented and attractive genin to participate… The Boys are the fifth B…" Naruto was confused by the last line but got the drift when he thought about it.

"Ah! Tsunade no baa-chan! You want me to be Konoha's representative! Sugoi! Sugoi! Me, Uzumaki Naruto, am sure to win for Konoha!"

Shizune sighed as Naruto lost himself in a daydream. In Naruto's head he could see himself crowned as the winner of the pageant with girls flocking over him shouting and swooning how cool he is. Boys were behind him, slumped over in defeat, praising Naruto for being so much cooler than they were.

"_I'll win for sure and then even Sakura-chan will want to date me!"_

Tsunade burst Naruto's thought-bubble by throwing a paperweight at the Genin. The block struck the blond shinobi in the head and knocked him to the floor. Tonton squealed as Naruto pulled himself to a sitting position. He could feel his cheek swelling under his bracing palm. "Tsunade no baa-chan! How could you do that? You'll ruin my face before the pageant!"

"Baka! I'm not sending you to the pageant. I'm sending you to collect Hyuuga Neji. He's going to be Konoha's representative."

"Naaah!" Naruto shouted. "Neji? Why him? Why not me?"

"The flyer says the contestants are talented, handsome and smart. In all those you fail. Now go get Hyuuga Neji and bring him back here! And don't tell him why."

"Why not?" Naruto asked.

"Just go!" Tsunade yelled before throwing everything on her desk at Naruto. The blonde Genin scrambled to his feet and covered his head before fleeing from the room.

/End Flashback/

Hyuuga Neji stood in the Godaime's office effectively stupefied. The buxom leader of the Village Hidden in the Leaves had just explained his mission specifics and Neji was quickly re-evaluating his decision to skip the celebration his teammates were planning. He could deal with Tenten's cooking and Lee singing off key, but this was certainly beneath him.

"Do you understand, Neji?" Tsunade asked.

"Forgive me, Godaime-sama, but I must refuse this assignment." Neji responded.

"Hyuuga Neji, you are telling me there is a mission you are not capable of?" Tsunade asked, hoping to goad him.

"Iie, that is not true. However, this does not constitute a mission. It's a pageant." The Hyuuga responded, still as cool as ever.

"It's an order."

"Forgive me, but I still refuse." Neji responded, preparing to walk away. He was considering activating his Byakugan as he walked away; he knew the Godaime wasn't above throwing things at his retreating back.

"Oh well," Tsunade sighed. "I already registered you as Konoha's representative. I'll just have to send someone in your place… under your name. Uzumaki Naruto, you wanted to attend the pageant didn't you?"

Naruto felt like he was being set up. "Yeah, I did, but Tsunade no baa-chan, you said I was too ugly and dumb."

"Well, we can't do anything about the dumb part, but the ugly we can fix. Use Henge no jutsu to transform into Hyuuga Neji."

Hyuuga Neji stopped in his retreat, exasperation drawn over his forehead. Tsunade smirked as she watched the Hyuuga's shoulders tense up. Naruto completed the seal and transformed into Neji.

"Well, you look like him, but can you act like him?"

Naruto as Neji smiled menacingly. He put his hands on his hips and stuck his butt out just a little. "How's this? I'm Hyuuga Neji, number one cool guy. I use Juuken. Hyuuga is the strongest bloodline. Hakke, Hakke, Hakke. I block tenketsus."

Shizune shook her head while Tsunade watched Neji silently fume where he was. Naruto as Neji strutted around the room repeating his mantra. He had gotten to his third time around when Neji extended his right arm and hook uppercutted him in the stomach. The henge wore off as Naruto crumbled to the floor. The blonde genin gasped and sputtered for breath while Hyuuga Neji remained impossibly still, his back still facing Tsunade, his front still facing the door.

"As damaging as it would be to have Naruto impersonate me, it still isn't enough to make me change my mind. If there is nothing else…"

Tsuande sighed and sucked her teeth, before picking up a sheet of paper and offering it to his back. The sound of the gesture turned Hyuuga Neji around to address his superior. "Nani?"

"I was hoping you'd agree immediately like a good subordinate so I could dismiss Naruto and explain the real mission objective. I knew if he heard he'd definitely want to go and complicate things, but it seems this is the only way to get through to you."

Neji walked forward and took the slip of paper from Tsunade's hand. He looked over it briefly, remembering it within seconds. "This is my true objective?"

"Hai, the pageant is being held in the Village Hidden in the Haze, but is being sponsored by feudal lords from the Village Hidden in the Grass, a village whose ties with Konoha have become stressed. All other participating countries were given invitations to have spectators, except Konoha which leads me to believe that there is a second ambition for this gathering."

"A plot to strike Konoha?"

"Possibly, but I know nothing. I need someone who could realistically be involved in this pageant and able to high levels of reconnaissance work simultaneously. Do you understand now the importance of your participation?" Tsunade asked.

"I understand."

"The pageant is this afternoon. The Haze is only an hour's run from here, so you have plenty of time. You can bring two companions to assist you on this mission."

"I only need one." Neji replied coolly.

"Ike."

"Hai." Neji left the room soundly.

Tsunade slumped back against her chair, wishing desperately she had some warm sake. "Why are the prodigies always so difficult?"

Shizune turned her head to her mentor. "Tsunade-sama, I didn't know that the Grass was making aggressive movements towards Konoha."

"They aren't." Tsunade replied. The light shifted over her face revealing her mischievous smile. "That part of the mission is fake."

"Nani?" Naruto and Shizune shouted.

"I really needed Neji to participate and had to fake a reason to convince him, so I gave him a mission that would satisfy him." Tsunade replied.

"What's so important about this pageant?" Shizune asked.

"The people running it aren't Grass feudal lords… they are loan sharks that I have a debt to. Hyuuga Neji is sure to win and the prize money will be used to clear my debt."

Tonton and Shizune dropped their heads. Naruto fell over. "Tsunade no baa-chan, you're really evil."

End of Part One.


	2. Complications

Part Two: Complications

Neji and Tenten walked side by side each carrying a travel bag and a large case. Tenten's was particularly heavy and Neji wanted to carry it himself, but the kunoichi couldn't let go of it. In that case was Neji's piece for the Talent portion of the pageant. Hyuuga Neji knew he could count on Tenten for the mission specifics of their task, but there was a good chance that he'd regret Tenten's involvement in this whole thing. Tenten had a great memory for detail.

The twosome had made it all of four steps outside the gates of Konoha when a blonde noise broke what little sense of peace Hyuuga Neji was able to maintain.

"Neji! Tenten! Hold up!"

Neji dropped his head. Tenten laughed at Neji's exasperation and Naruto's enthusiasm.

"Naruto, here to see us off?" Tenten asked.

"Iie. I'm coming with you. Tsunade no baa-chan said that I could come and see the pageant since Neji is only bringing Tenten."

"It's not necessary." Neji responded.

"Hey, hey. The old lady thought you might say that, so she made it a mission for me to assist in your arrangement. You have to bring me along."

Tenten smiled. _It seems that Tsunade-sama wants Naruto out of her hair for a day…_

Neji's eyebrow ticked, the only external sign of his exasperation. Inside, was a different case.

**Inner Neji (fire erupting behind him): "Damn you, Godaime!"**

Tenten could physically feel the rage boiling within her teammate. This constituted strike two in Neji's list of grievances against the Godaime. Most people took days to earn two strikes against them; Tsunade-sama had done it in minutes. She really was a remarkable person, Tenten thought.

Neji walked forward, leaving Tenten and Naruto behind his back. There was a good chance that the next person he saw would fall victim to his Juuken. He knew Tenten well enough that she would stay from his immediate range of vision, Naruto on the other hand was dumb as hell. Neji increased his pace. The sooner he got to the Village Hidden in the Haze, the sooner this whole thing could start, and hopefully, if the Hyuuga had any good fortune owed to him, the sooner this whole nightmare would be over.

Naruto and Tenten watched Neji's pace triple in a matter of seconds. Tenten sighed, she was positive this wasn't how Neji intended to celebrate his birthday. The brown eyed kunoichi turned to Naruto and offered him the large case she was holding.

"Naruto, hold onto this for a little while. Whatever you do, don't injure it. Neji doesn't need an excuse to hurt you."

Naruto found the luggage unexpectedly heavy. He gripped the three foot long case close to his body. "Nah! Heavy! What's in here?"

"Something valuable! If you break it, you'll pay for it."

"Pay for it? How?"

"With your life if Neji finds out." Tenten replied.

Naruto swallowed hard and gripped the case even tighter to his case.

"Let's go. Neji is probably half way to the Haze by now." Tenten said.

Tenten thanked every divinity she knew that they ran into no opposition on the journey to the Haze. Her teammate truly didn't need the aggravation.

Hyuuga Neji noticed immediately that there was something off about the arena full of people in the grand stage auditorium. When Tenten and Naruto caught up, Tenten first because Naruto was taking extremely measured steps, Neji turned his head to the side.

"Have you noticed?" Neji asked.

Tenten nodded. "There are a lot of people using Henge no jutsu and other Genjutsu to influence their appearance."

Tenten and Neji were free from distractions to notice such things. Naruto, who was taking extremely careful and measured steps didn't have the free attention to capture that detail.

It would cost him and Neji dearly in the immediate future.

"I wonder which way is the registration." Tenten stated aloud.

"We will just follow them." Neji responded, pointing to a herd of people moving from the left to right. The mass of ninja passed ahead and behind of Neji and Tenten, separating them from Naruto.

"Nani?" Naruto said. "Neji? Tenten? Where are you?" Naruto asked, looking in every direction. He struggled to adjust the case. He swept his eyes back and forth, looking for trademark long hair. He found exceptionally long hair, but it wasn't in a ponytail and that neat braid didn't belong to Hyuuga Neji.

"Ah! Sumaru!" Naruto shouted. He did his best to run to the Genin from the Village Hidden in the Stars.

"Sumaru!"

The gifted genin turned at his name, recognizing Uzumaki Naruto immediately. "Ah, Naruto-kun. What are you doing here?"

Naruto's face immediately tightened up. "You think I'm too ugly to be here too?" Naruto watched Sumaru's face shift to one of question. "You're as cruel as Tsunade no-baachan… I'm the assistant for Konoha's representative."

"I see."

"Are you your village's representative?" Naruto asked, adjusting the case.

Sumaru took a step back, hairs on his head standing on end. "I..Iie." Sumaru responded.

"Nani?" Naruto questioned Sumaru's reaction. He lost grip of the case, but retrieved it before the corner could strike the floor. He puffed out a sigh of release. "Mah, well I guess it doesn't matter, you probably couldn't beat our Genin."

"Who did you send?" Sumaru asked.

"You already met… AHHH!"

Naruto's blue eyes widened when he saw an unbelievable sight. "S…Sa… Sasuke!" Naruto looked over Sumaru's shoulder and there was no mistaking it. Standing surrounded by a group of enthralled girls was an impossibly cool Uchiha Sasuke.

Sumaru was nearly balled over when Naruto charged by him. The crowd was split by Naruto's made dash. Elbows and backs were struck by the case the blond Konoha genin carried. One poor bystander got the case to the face when Naruto threw it to the side so he could tackle Uchiha Sasuke.

"SASUKE!"

The pair rolled on the floor after Naruto's charge and Naruto immediately got the upper hand. He planted himself firmly on Sasuke's stomach.

"Sasuke! You! You!"

"Who the hell are you?" Sasuke asked. "Get off of me!"

"Get off of him you brute!" The enthralled girls that had been surrounding Sasuke shouted.

"Stay out of this!" Naruto shouted to the girls, his hands gripping Sasuke's shirt. "He… Sasuke! I'm taking you back!"

"I'm not going anywhere with you! I don't even know you!"

"Teme! How dare you try to forget all about me! Did you forget about Sakura-chan and Kakashi-sensei too? You're a shinobi from Konoha, just like me! If you try to forget, then I'll make you remember!" Naruto shouted.

Sasuke's eyes widened as he watched the blonde on his stomach draw back his fist.

"Hey! Don't rush it!" Sasuke shouted.

But Naruto's fist dropped hard across Sasuke's cheek. That pale skin bruised and the henge wore off.

"Nani?" Naruto said as the genjutsu was dispelled. Beneath his body was a genin from the Village Hidden in the Haze. He was quite ugly even without the swollen cheek. "Teme! You're not Sasuke!"

"He's not even cute!" The spectating girls shouted. They all flipped their hair and stormed away.

The thick-lipped genin pouted and cried a river. "The girls! They're gone! Ah!"

"Hey you! How do you know Sasuke?"

"Who is Sasuke?"

"The person you were impersonating, baka!"

"I don't. I just saw him once at the Chuunin exam and thought he looked super cool. If I looked like him the girls would like me… Now I can rip up my registration. No one will want to see me now."

"Registration? Ah! Gomen, I've got to go!"

…

Tenten and Neji stood next in line to sign in. Tenten sighed. "There sure are a lot of girls here. I've only seen about six guys in our age group."

"Have you seen anyone from the Grass?"

"Iie, no one suspicious. There were three girls, about our age. No one adult."

"Keep an eye of their movements, who they are supporting and what they say. I will have to look from backstage."

Tenten nodded.

The two became next in line. The host was looking down, marking things systematically on a scroll. He didn't look up when he spoke.

"Name?"

Tenten leaned forward. "Hyuuga Neji from Konoha."

"That's a rather masculine name." The host stated, still not looking up.

**Inner Neji (shaking fists angrily): "He thinks I'm a girl? Kisama!"**

Neji frowned. "I'm a boy."

That's when the host looked up and looked between Neji and Tenten. He frowned solidly. "You're Konoha's representative? Funny, the girl beside you is pretty enough, why didn't the Godaime send her?"

Tenten's cheeks flushed. _He thinks I'm prettier than Neji?_

Neji ignored her. He kept his attention on the host. "What do you mean?"

"It's just that, all other hidden villages sent… girls. It is a beauty pageant after all."

**Inner Neji (eyes painfully wide): "NANI!"**

"It's a pageant for girls?" Neji asked, his eyebrow ticked violently.

"Well, technically it's open to any Hidden Village Genin, but we thought we had encouraged sending girls when we stated that the fifth judgment criteria would be Boys. Male judges are scoring the entrants."

"Neji, didn't you know that?"

"Iie, the Godaime wouldn't let me look at the form. She only told me about the… mission."

**Inner Neji (in a terrible tantrum): "GODAIME-SAMA!"**

…

In the Godaime's office, Shizune looked over the official invitation once more.She frowned and paced before frowning and pacing some more.

"What is it Shizune?" Tsunade asked.

"Tsunade-sama, I've been looking over the invitation and something seems strange."

"Seems strange?" Tsunade parroted.

"The wording… looking at it for myself, it seems like it's just a beauty contest… for girls."

"Nani? It says Boys." Tsunade replied, surprisingly the conversation hadn't stopped her from doing her work. At least it appeared that way to Shizune. While most people read Make-Out Violence in book form, Tsunade had it in a special scroll form.

"Yes, it says boys are the fifth B… like Brains, Beauty, Breeding and Bounty… which the competitors are being judged on… could this mean that Boys are judges and not to be judged?"

Tsunade hiccupped nervously. "Let me see that."

Shizune stood over Tsunade's shoulder while the Godaime re-read the invitation. She sweat dropped. Her head dropped forward, giving Shizune a clear view over her shoulder. The young attendant leapt back in shock.

"Tsunade-sama! What are you reading?"

Tsunade swept Jiriaya's R-rated work off the desk and spun her chair around. "That's not important. I think you may be right… I sent Hyuuga Neji to a girls' beauty pageant."

"What should we do? We can send another genin? I think Hyuuga Hinata is still in Konoha, we can substitute her for Neji."

Tsunade looked at her clock and sighed. "It's too late to send Hinata. The contest will be starting any minute."

"Neji will not be happy about this." Shizune stated. "It looks like we owe Neji a favor… He'll definitely become a chuunin in the next exam."

"Hai." Tsunade responded deflatedly.

…

Neji's face was flushed. Not just from his angry, but from the string of obscenities his Inner Neji was putting forth in rapid succession. The host could see the rage in the genin's eyes and immediately provided a solution, lest he get hurt in the outburst that was surely coming.

"Well, if you don't want to enter, you can withdraw."

**Inner Neji (excitedly, throwing a victorious uppercut, followed by a Nice Guy™ pose that would have made Gai weep.): Yes! Withdraw! Yes! Yes!**

Neji remained impossibly cool. "How do I do that?"

"Well, you can only withdraw if your registration hasn't been sent in. After it's in, you can't leave until the competition is completely over tomorrow morning."

"Registration?" Tenten asked.

The host nodded. "It should have been sent with you by the Godaime of Konoha."

Neji looked to his teammate. "I don't have it."

Tenten shook her head. "Me either… maybe…"

"Naruto?"

"The Godaime may have given it to him to turn in for you so you couldn't back out."

"Let's go find him."

Tenten nodded and the two took off in a run. The crowd was thick and refused to part, forcing Neji and Tenten to leap and bound off of walls looking for the blond genin.

"Damn," Neji cursed. "Where is that idiot?"

Tenten frowned. "But Neji, even when we find him, you have to enter. We still have a mission and we can only do it if we're supposed to be here."

"There are other ways."

"But only contestants can be backstage, that's probably where things are happening. We need to be there."

"If that's the case," Neji responded, looking from left to right, "we'll change the registration and have you in the contest. Even if you lose, we'll still have access to backstage."

Tenten blushed. "You… you think I could win, Neji?"

"I think we need to find Naruto."

**Inner Neji (sighing in relief): Phew… close. **

"Ah!" Tenten pointed. "There!"

Neji followed Tenten's gaze and there indeed was one Uzumaki Naruto. Neji pulled a pair of kunai from his holster and threw them at the blonde. The two blades struck Naruto's left sleeve and pant leg, pinning him to the wall behind him.

"Nani?" Naruto shouted, struggling over the pin.

Tenten and Neji dropped down in front of him.

"Neji? Tenten? What are you doing?"

Neji stepped forward. "The registration! Where is it?"

"Huh?" Naruto asked.

Tenten pulled the kunai from the wall and freed Naruto from Neji's pin. "Naruto, did Tsunade-sama give you Neji's registration?"

"Ah! Don't worry! I turned it in already. You're entered now."

Neji dropped his head. Tenten laughed nervously and tried to appease Neji.

"But you won't believe what happened!" Naruto continued. "I ran into Sumaru. You remember from the Bear Country? I saw him and when I was talking to him I saw---"

Tenten cut Naruto off, tapping his shoulder and shaking her head to silence him. Naruto stopped his story immediately. Naruto, too, could feel Neji's murderous intent.

**Inner Neji (shaking his fists rapidly): SHI-NE, NARUTO NO BAKA! Shi-ne! Shi-ne! Shi-ne! BAKA!**

The calm side of Neji's mind began formulating an escape from this series of extremely unfortunate events. He had just calculated how many smoke bombs and exploding tags it would take to effectively stupefy the crowd to make his escape when the Host stood on the table and made his announcement. "Attention all participants, the preliminary period is over. Please, all entrants and one manager report back stage for instructions and preparation."

**Inner Neji (deflated): Life isn't fair.**

"I'll stay out here. Neji, you should go and get ready. Good luck!" Naruto shouted before slapping the Hyuuga on the back.

Tenten adjusted her bag. "Come on Neji. Let's go get ready for the pageant."

Neji dropped his head again.

Neji didn't believe in fate anymore, but couldn't shake the feeling that Fate was sitting around somewhere giving him the finger.

End of Part Two


End file.
